Wednesday, March 26th, 2008: Rest in peace, John Aherne - A day of sadness in Helsingborg, Stockholm, and Wicklow, Ireland

What I think:

I'm very sad to relay the news that John Aherne, an Irish tourist who went missing in Stockholm over St Patrick's Day weekend, has drowned.

His body was recovered just before midday in the water at Norra Hammarby harbour, in the southern part of central Stockholm.

I'd written a couple of posts about John's mysterious disappearance, and had been hoping that he would be found safe and well. This is truly tragic, and my deepest heartfelt condolences go out to John's family and friends.

The events, from when John went missing, to when the news broke, and leading right up until I sit here writing this, are covered quite touchingly on the discussion forum on The Local (Sweden's news in English). 

It starts with Karl (John's host in Stockholm) explaining the circumstances surrounding John's disappearance, and the other regulars then offer help, support, hope and prayers (which they maintain throughout). 

The forum is then visited by many, many people from Ireland, some of whom take the opportunity to post comments to offer their gratitude, and to add to the voices of hope. 

A good few of these "newbie" posters are from John's hometown of Wicklow, and some spirit-raising anecdotes about growing up there are shared, while the agonising wait continues.

And then... 

I went to a meeting this morning, and got back at around 2:30 p.m. I went straight onto the computer, and over to thelocal.se for an update. I was immediately saddened to see the headline "Body of missing Irish tourist found" staring back at me.

I went to the discussion forum, and decided to read from where I'd left off last night (on page 59 - it was now up to page 69). Knowing what I now knew, it was unbearably sad to read what had been written late last night and earlier today. And reading the comments from around the time when the news started to come through became heart-wrenching. 

So, now I'm grieving for someone I've never met, and feeling so very, very sorry for others I don't even know. 

If it can be said that anything at all good has come out of this very sad and tragic loss, I think it would be the fact that John's disappearance has brought two communities very solidly together: one "cyber" community on The Local, and one very real, living, breathing, remembering community, in Wicklow town, Ireland. 

And it goes to show that, even though most of us in the cyber-world will go to great lengths to protect our anonymity, no one can deny that the "regulars" on The Local are indeed very real, very caring individuals.

Once again, deepest condolences to John's family and friends (special regards to Karl), but also a huge hug to the totally amazing people on The Local - you guys are great.

Finally to John Aherne: Rest in peace, mate. 

From what I hear, we would have gotten along well. That's what I think.

Sunday, March 23rd, 2008: Pools of sorrow, waves of joy in Helsingborg

What I think:

Firstly, it's with a heavy heart that I update you about John Aherne, the Irish tourist who went missing in Stockholm last Saturday night. 

John is still missing, and the Stockholm police revealed on Friday their fear that he may have drowned in a nearby harbour. 

The Local (Sweden's news in English), wrote: 

"Police conducted a dive in the Norra Hammarby area Södermalm in south-central Stockholm on Thursday and confirmed that something, as yet unidentified, has been found."

Today, police conducted another dive - for five hours - which, sadly, proved inconclusive. A further dive is due to take place on Tuesday. Another long, worrisome wait.

Police intend to contact the coastguard, and make use of their Remote Operated Vehicle to help with the search.

Family and friends are praying that police fears are unfounded, and that John is safe somewhere else. 

And the online discussion forum on The Local, on which John's mate Karl is a regular, has been host to a number of John's friends from his home town of Wicklow. Many people are stopping by to express their worries and frustrations, but also their gratitude for the positive thoughts and prayers that the regulars are maintaining for John's safe return. Do have a look ->.

Here's John:

We want him to be found, alive and well. 

My thoughts remain with John's family, with Karl, and with the many Irish visitors to The Local's forum.

About last night:

After this past week of worry, I decided to go out with my girlfriend to let off some steam. Turns out it was a very good idea. We ended up going to The Tivoli to see T.V. Smith, a punk legend who was with the band The Adverts in the late-Seventies. This was easily the best show I'd ever seen at The Tivoli.

It was held in the tiny "Backstage Bar", which is a very cosy, intimate venue. T.V. chatted to people before and after his performance, and was more than happy to sign copies of his CDs and books.

Here's T.V. in action 

(skinny bugger, isn't he?):

The performance itself was very cool. So much power and energy, both in his vocals and in his lyrics. His delivery, and his intelligent banter between songs, had the audience absolutely captivated.  

I've now got another claim to fame (to go with my "I had a beer with Marilyn Manson in Montreal - and didn't even know who he was" one): I had some beers with T.V. Smith of The Adverts, and I also bought him a couple, thus allowing me a discount on a CD. And we chatted like old mates for ages. 

T.V. Smith (formerly of The Adverts) and 

Mark Base (of CSI: Helsingborg and Suckerbucket)

reunite after more than 43 years.

Check out T.V. Smith's MySpace page.

Why do so few artists like T.V. Smith come to Helsingborg? It's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

Thursday, March 20th, 2008: Desperately seeking John Aherne: Irish tourist missing in Stockholm

What I think:

OK, I know I haven't blogged for a long while, and I will get around to doing a "normal" post at sometime in the near future (I promise), but I want to take this opportunity to spread the word about an Irish tourist who went missing in Stockholm last Saturday night.

John Aherne was over from Ireland, visiting his friend Karl. 

During an evening out together with a group of friends, John decided to leave the group and head back to Karl's (Karl had given him some spare keys). He stopped for a nightcap at the restaurant on the ground floor of Karl's flat. While he was there, he just popped out for a smoke - leaving his coat and mobile at the bar - and has not been seen since. This was in the southern part of the city, on Katarina Bangata.

I "know" Karl through the discussion forum on thelocal.se (Sweden's news in English). See the links below for more information, and if you know people living in that area, please pass this on.

The Local's discussion forum:

http://www.thelocal.se/discuss/viewtopic.php?t=13777

Related stories on thelocal.se:

http://www.thelocal.se/10566/20080318/

http://www.thelocal.se/10614/20080320/

Also on the Irish Independent site:

http://www.independent.ie/national-news/family-join-hunt-for-accountant-lost-in-sweden-1321950.html

Please think positive thoughts.

That's what I think.

Wednesday, January 23rd, 2008: Företagsrock - Corporate Battle of The Bands in Helsingborg

What I think:

Every year, The Tivoli, Helsingborg's main music venue, hosts a Battle of The Bands competition, in which employees from different companies compete. It's called Företagsrock (or "Company Rock").

Last year, I had joined a band with some IKEA people, and we decided to enter this year's contest. Because two of the other guys work in a building called Sockerbruket (or "The Sugar Refinery", as it used to be), I half-jokingly suggested that we call ourselves "Suckerbucket".

And so it came to pass that Suckerbucket was created, an application was made to enter the competition, and there was much rejoicing (and some rehearsing).

We were to play in the very first contest of the first round, against two other bands, on January 17th, 2008. Here's the poster:
I would have preferred some kind of photo showing all four of us, but it was decided that this was too cool an image not to use.

On the night...
As it turned out, one of the two other bands cancelled for some reason, so it was just IKEA Retail and TetraPak to play.

(TetraPak: You know those clever milk carton things that we now all take for granted? Did you know that they were a Swedish invention, and come from Lund, a smaller city not even an hour away from Helsingborg? Educational blog, or what?)

The TetraPak band, a four-man Hard Rock/Heavy Metal outfit called Metal 7 (presumably they lost the other three from lead poisoning, or something), were on first, and they did a brilliant job. They were very tight, and did these amazing dualling guitar bits (as in "The Boys Are Back In Town" by Thin Lizzy).

They rocked, and their accents when singing in English were even passable.

They played for about 20 minutes, which is one of the rules of the competition. You can get penalised for playing longer.

Another thing worth mentioning is that two bands can potentially make it through to the next round; there's a jury vote (based on points for different criteria), and an audience vote (based on how many people from work you can convince to come watch you, make a lot of noise, and act like crazy teens with their libidos on steroids).

Then we took to the stage.

The photo below shows Martin Goldberg on drums, Marcus Bällgren on bass, there's me doing the vocal thing, and Sven Larsson on lead guitar on the far-right:
Here are a few other photos, in some of which you can get a glimpse of a couple of our kind and obliging screamers:

In the end, we made it through to the Quarter Finals, which will be held on February 28th.

In case you're wondering, we did:
- Rocking In The Free World by Neil Young,
- Should I Stay Or Should I Go by The Clash,
- Something Else by Sid Vicious/Sex Pistols,
- Sunshine Of Your Love by Cream,
- Rebel Rebel by David Bowie, and
- All Right Now by Free.

Metal 7 won the jury vote (by just two points), and we won by a landslide on the audience votes. There were, admittedly, quite a few IKEA people there.

But I also won an extra award. I was voted by the judges as the "Best In Show" (sort of a performance of the evening award).

Mental note to self: Totally spazzing out on stage can sometimes be advantageous.

Unfortunately, I was out having a smoke when they announced this award, so I missed the heaps of praise that was bestowed upon me in my absence. A photographer guy ran outside to let me know that I was wanted on stage, but when I got there, I was unceremoniously handed two little bits of paper.

I only found out later that I'd won something. When I checked my pocket for the bits of paper I'd received, I found out that they were actually free tickets to see someone called Caroline af Ugglas. Apparently she does Janis Joplin songs in Swedish. Should be interesting.

If you're reading this, and plan to be in Helsingborg on February 28th, be sure to make it to The Tivoli to see Suckerbucket battle on.

I just hope that I happen to be indoors when prizes are announced. I certainly would be if this stupid smoking ban wasn't in place. It's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

Sunday, December 30th, 2007: Happy New Year, and Helsingborg - The Video (introducing a local celebrity)

What I think:

Firstly, let me take this opportunity to wish all Helsingblog readers a Happy New Year; this includes the occasional and accidental, as well as the regulars.

Here's looking at you:

Now that that's out of the way...

I realised today that this blog is now two years old. Hurrah! Two years of memories and idiotic observations immortalised here. I love this big webby thing.

I know I used to write a lot more than I do these days, but please bear with me; I'm still kind of distracted with starting up my business here. So far, I've managed to get officially registered, I've received one of the tax documents I'll need, and I've got a logo.

Check this out:

What do you think?

Yes, the company name is We Can English; kind of an ironic play on words. You see, I've noticed (more than once) that some Swedes who are misguidedly confident about their English proficiency will say, "I can English". This is because, in Swedish, the "speak" or "write" that you'd think should be in this statement is considered unnecessary; it's understood.

My colleague Helena did the logo for me. Cool, innit (US: huh / CAN: eh / AUS: G'day, Bruce & Sheila, more shrimps on the barbie) ?

And I've bought the domains: wecanenglish.com, .se, and .co.uk as well. No actual web pages yet, but I can deal with that a bit later.

I start all on my own in mid-January, and I'm well-excited about that. And terrified; I'm not the most organised and methodical person alive, and it will be difficult to discipline myself (I'm used to paying someone else to discipline me. I will miss the smell and the luxurious textures of PVC and hot leather).

Ahem.

Moving right along, as a special New Year's treat, I'd like to present to you a fantastic little video - a ballad about this fine city. The artist's name is Rolf "Beme" Gilleberg - more about him later. But now, without further ado, please take a few moments to enjoy a lovely song, and some great views of Helsingborg. Here is Helsingborgsvisan (The Ballad Of Helsingborg):

Affects me every time.

Rolf - or "Beme" as he's known, although I really don't know why - is a bit of a local celebrity.

I've taken the liberty to roughly translate this song (with much help from my girlfriend). I hope that Beme doesn't mind. I've put a few little explanatory notes in brackets along the way. Here we go:

The Ballad of Helsingborg
Helsingborg, it's my dream
By the sound so tender (The "sound" is Öresund, sort of a narrow strait between Helsingborg and Helsingör, Denmark.)
I saw you there
My friend Helsingborg
Come into my embrace
Helsingborg's harbour and Pålsjö's pond
Kärnan's height and Jordbodalen's depth
Everything's wonderfully delightful.

Myriads of people on Hamntorget (Harbour Square)
A warm summer's day
Magnus Stenbock on his horse (A statue in front of City Hall)
He can see everything best
And the old town with Maria Church's glory
And Bruksgatan's charm
I love it all.

Helsingborg, it's my dream.

The summer wind by the Öresund (The sound - see second line, above)
The sun always shines clearly
On the girls on Fria Bad (a beach)
With the scent of the salt of the sea
I love it all.
My friend Helsingborg,
My faithful old treasure.

Helsingborg, it's my dream.

Beme owns a music store in central Helsingborg. It's quite a nice place. And along with all the guitars, keyboards, amps and other stuff you'd expect to find, he's got an assortment of more exotic intruments - things like sitars, tablas, and a didgeridoo (US/CAN/UK/Rest of world: a big painted wooden pipe that you put to your lips and make farty sounds to produce something like music).

Check out Beme's shop, see clips from more of his videos (he seems to be very much into birds (fåglar) and love (kärlek), if the videos are anything to go by), and look at loads of his personal photos on his extensive website ->

I've been there a few times, bought a few things, and even had some restoration work done on my acoustic guitar there. When I went there just to browse once, I found Beme on the floor, in the position just prior to standing on his head. Kind of a scary sight.

He explained that it was his Yoga time. I thought, yeah, fair enough, but you're in the middle of the shop.

Maybe he should close the shop when he's doing Yoga; perhaps have a special sign to put on the door, like "I'm having my Yoga time, please come back when my chakras are aligned with my karmic awareness - usually about fifteen minutes, on a good day", or something.

In any case, he's a very kind, easy-to-talk-to, nice guy. We need more people like him in Helsingborg. It's time that the Swedish government did something about it. But maybe we don't need any more videos about Helsingborg; let's not overdo it.That's what I think.

Sunday, December 9th, 2007: An update and a Helsingblaze

What I think:

OK, time for an update. Sorry about the lengthy pause. As a fellow blogger, Kellypea from Kellementology, said in a comment on my last post, "There's no vacation in bloggsville."

I know this is no excuse, but I have been rather preoccupied over the past couple of months. I promise to be more prolific in my posts...soon.

"So, what have you been up to, then?", I hear you ask, in a most charmingly apathetic manner. Well, grab a coffee and/or some amphetamines to keep yourself awake, and I'll tell you.

Firstly, I've been looking into starting my own business here in the south of Sweden. That's right, after working with the same company for over twenty-one years, and in three different countries, I'm leaving IKEA.

I'll be a freelance copywriter, and I'll mainly be working, I think, with copy-editing and improving English texts. You see, most Swedes can (and do) write fairly well in English, but not all write that well. For some global Swedish companies based here, or even different cities' tourist information departments, some of the English being produced is quite frightening.

So I'll be seeking these out and offering my services. Wish me luck; I'm on a mission here.

IKEA have been kind enough to offer me at least 6 months' worth of part-time work (20 hrs per week) to get me started - so they'll actually be my first "customer", which is nice. I think having IKEA on my list will look good.

Besides that, I'm still waiting for my flat to get sold. The housing market here has been very slow, which is a pain in that area just below one's lower back.

A Gig at Charles Dickens
In other news, my band, CSI: Helsingborg, played at the Charles Dickens pub last Thursday night. Finally.

They hadn't been terribly impressed by our "demo CD" (can't say I blame them), so I had to offer to play for free, so that they could get to see us live. So we picked a date, and it was to be a Thursday, which is usually a very quiet day of the week.

But about a week or so before the gig, they found out that there was a big football match (US/CAN: soccer game) happening on that night - and they always show Helsingborg's football matches on about six TV screens. This one was taking place in France, between Helsingborg and Bordeaux.

This actually worked out well, as it happened. We had planned to do two sets anyway, so we did one before the match, and one afterwards.

The real challenge for me was to remain relatively sober (or at least not to get too sloppily squeegeed) during the football match. This was indeed a challenge because I'm not into football, so I'd be drinking & chatting while many were gawping at screens.

So I started on the Red Bulls when the match started (with only one measure of vodka per drink), and that seemed to have done the trick.

There were loads of people for the first set anyway. Helsingborg lost the match, so the place cleared out considerably for the second set (folks not in a celebratory mood, apparently). But there was still a larger crowd than at the Bjuv Festival gig.

It turned out really well, in the end.

An Evening of Mayhem
About a week and a half ago, I took a ferry trip, mainly to get a case of cheap beer, but also to catch up with The Yank. We'd decided to meet on the ferry (he was coming back from Copenhagen), and just go back and forth from Helsingborg to Helsingör (Elsinore to all you Shakespeare fans) a few times, and enjoy a few beers and a chat.

Here's The Yank enjoying a beer, with a newly-purchased case of beer next to him: Also joining us on this occasion was a friend we know from work. In order to preserve his anonymity, I won't reveal his name. All I will say is that it starts with O, ends with E, and has two L's in the middle. And it's got four letters. And he looks a bit like this:After a few round trips, with accompanying beers, we got off back in Helsingborg and decided to go to the Bishops Arms pub for a decent pint.

But there had just been a football match between Helsingborg and Vienna - which Helsingborg had won - so that pub was absolutely packed. So we went to the nearby Utposten instead.

Utposten ("The Outpost") wasn't too busy, so we ordered a beer and stood at the bar there. They've got this cool new-ish popcorn vending machine that I had to try out. It's really cool. You put money in the slot and stick this cardboard cup in a little compartment, and it makes fresh popcorn. OK, so it's probably really old hat now, but this is Sweden and I'm easily amused, alright?

But suddenly, we heard loads of commotion outside. There was a huge mob of people marching by chanting and lighting flares and fireworks.

I had to go out and snap a few pics. It was surreal; loads of firelight and smoke, with dozens of people marching by making some serious noise.

Besides being resized and sharpened a bit, the photos below are unaltered. I think they look phat. Is that the right word? I can't keep up these days. My teenage niece in Montreal thinks something that's really cool is "sick". OK, so here are some really sick photos of a mob of Helsingborg football fans for you:


How was that then, eh? Sick enough for you?

The rest of the night was pretty uneventful. We just finished our beers, and went our separate ways, with our cases of ferry-bought beer.

London and Paris
At the end of October, my girlfriend and I went to London and Paris. She'd never been to Paris, and I'd never been on Eurostar (the train between London and Paris), so off we went. Plus I wanted to catch up with my friends in London as well.

So we went to London first, and stayed there for a few days. We visited a friend of mine who lives near Harrow in Northwest London. We went to a cool place called Trinity Bar. We had beer. And we smiled.
On October 31st, we went to Paris. As I mentioned, we took the Eurostar train. Unfortunately, this was a couple of weeks before the high-speed rail service opened at London St Pancras; we had to go from Waterloo. It still took less than 3½ hours, but apparently it's now less than 2½ hours. Hhmm.

So here's my mandatory Eiffel shot from Paris:With that out of the way, we did loads of walking, drinking, eating, etc. You know, the Paris thing. We found a nice restaurant/bar called La Fourmi (The Ant). We liked the food, the wine, the clientèle, and especially the wine bottle chandelier: Sick, isn't it?

Oh yeah, Gothenburg...
At some point before the London/Paris trip, we went to Gothenburg to visit my girlfriend's brother, his wife, and their baby boy. It was his first birthday party, and he was partying like the little rock star that he is (I'm sure you've heard of him, but I'm too cool to name-drop here).

I have to admit, we were having some difficulty keeping up with the pace, so we decided to visit a couple of friends who (coincidentally) live right across the courtyard.

We had a few beers with them (actually a case of beer I'd brought up from a previous ferry trip), then we went for a quiet few drinks at their local pub. Here are VikingHumpingWitch (an English girl), and WitchHumpingViking (a Swedish guy):Besides being resized, recoloured, brightened, sharpened, pastelled, film-grained, paint-daubed, and canvas-textured with the light coming from the left, the photo above is practically unaltered.

We had a few drinks, I danced with some dreadful old drunken woman, and we threw peanuts at the DJ (whom they know, and he kind of expected it anyway). It was just another normal evening out, but it was fun. It's always nice to catch up with the Humpers.

So that's pretty much it. With the housing market as it is now, it's about time the Swedish government did something useful for a change and bought my flat. The bastards. That's what I think.

Saturday, October 6th, 2007: Movin' on up (?) in Helsingborg

What I think:

One of the many excuses I have for not not having been so very present in the blogosphere these days is that I was busy moving.

You may remember that I mentioned some time ago that there's a definite north-south divide here in Helsingborg; many people living in the northern part of the city can be rather snobby, and think that the people living in the southern part are all criminally insane foreign people. That's only partly true.

But I've now moved to the north, so that should even things out a bit.

There's a bit of a twist to this though, so bear with me.

When I first started seeing my girlfriend, nearly a year ago, she had recently rented a flat (US/CAN: apartment) in Stattena (pronounced Sta-tay-na), an area in the northern part of Helsingborg.

She's very much a southern Helsingborg girl, except for the fact that she's not foreign. And that her criminal insanity is barely perceptible.

But she'd found this nice little place, it was exactly what she was looking for (although not in her preferred area), so she took it.

Very soon after we hooked up, she started living at my place, but kept renting her place. It was a good idea at the time, as we didn't know how our relationship would work out. A safety net thing, in a way.

Pretty sensible for crazy people, eh? (US: huh? / UK: innit? / SWE: eller?)

Where was I? Oh-yes-I-remember, that should even things out a bit.

We recently decided to sell my place and move to hers.

My project contract at work was ending soon, and I wasn't really sure of what my next career move would be. A mate of mine had told me of some possible job in Malaysia, so that was one of the factors, at first; I didn't want to have to hang around to sell my flat, if that opportunity actually came through.

There were certainly other factors involved, of course, but the bottom line is that I was going to sell my flat.

So there we were, about to move from the nasty south to the idyllic north.

But wait, what's this?

A few weeks before we moved, we went back to hers to get some stuff from out of the storage area in her basement. Her storage locker had been burgled by someone with a blow-torch or something.

Look at this:

Hhmmm... We'd never had this happen to us in the nasty south. Luckily, there wasn't too much of any value in there, so most of it was pretty much untouched.

We had a look around, and every single other storage locker in the basement had the same burn marks on their latches - although it seemed as though many others didn't give way as easily as hers.

But we moved here anyway. The peaceful, law-abiding north.

While most people in most countries are clammering to get up the property ladder, I just went into reverse and decided to rent. Strangely, property prices in the north, including rents, are normally much more expensive than in the south, but ours is cheap.

But as for the quality of life...I guess it depends on what you're after. It's too bloody quiet in the north of Helsingborg, and there's no diversity. No nice criminally insane foreign people to mumble with.

Another thing I found amusing in my new area was a nearby street sign:
Great. So, we'll have our local burglers over-dosing on the street now, will we? Magic.

The move itself went really smoothly. We hired a van for our stuff, and we didn't really have too much to move, since we'd taken a good few car-loads over the previous couple of weeks.

Helping us move were a Swedish mate, The Yank and Visiting Yank, and a friend of my girlfriend's and her boyfriend helped us out, and we were done by 11 a.m.

Amazing.

Then it was off to IKEA to get some stuff, including a 184 cm (US/UK: over six-foot) kitchen worktop. I was determined to prove that this would fit into her Ford Fiesta.

It didn't look promising for a while, but when we put the back seats down, and I put the front passenger seat all the way back, it fit in perfectly, as I'd cleverly predicted.



I just had to squeeze in under the worktop to fit into the car.


That's the car's rear shelf on top of the box, by the way.

I think it's ridiculous that there are so many different ways to say "eh?" in different languages. There sould be a multi-lingual international word for it, and it's time that the Swedish government teamed up with other world governments, and did something about it. That's what I think.

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007: Top Toilet Tips Update - Bishops Arms ladies' toilet

What I think:

As some of you may remember, I wrote a review of the toilets at the Bishops Arms here in Helsingborg.

I mentioned how it's perfectly normal for guys to use the girls' toilet when it's busy there (honest). If there's a queue and a toilet's free, it's instinctive for guys to go there. You can't fight (Swedish) nature, OK?

But I've recently discovered a few other things as well.

For example, when there's a queue containing both guys and girls, the guys will always let girls go into the girls' toilet.

Very considerate, eh?.

The point being...?

Oh yeah.

So I was at Bishops Arms the other night and I needed to wee, so got into the queue for the toilets. It was an only-guys-in-the-queue thing.

When it was my turn, the first vacant toilet was the ladies'.

Because there were no ladies present, I went in and did my thang. Sorry, I just love the word "thang"; couldn't resist.

Thang.
Boomerang.
Wang.
Ke-chang!
Ourangutan (OK, maybe the first two syllables). Can you tell that I'm a bit drunk? Syllable is a good word as well, but I won't touch it because it's in brackets in the previous sentence.

Yep, drunk.

The füquîng point being???
Yes! OK! The point!

While I was in the ladies' wee thing, I noticed a bin (US/CAN: trash can) next to me. But this wasn't an ordinary bin; it was a closed one and had some kind of sensor above it. With a little waving hand.

It was mysterious.

It looked a bit like this:

This bin seemed to invite me to wave my hand above it. So I did.

The lid of the bin opened and closed gracefully, methodically, and almost clinically. I felt as though I was in a hospital.

A graceful hospital.

But this bin's lid seemed to have teeth or something, and it freaked me out bigtime (like that time I saw a stripping sheep woman).

When opened, it looked like this:

You know, I was a bit drunk, but I managed to snap some shots of this monstrosity when it reared its ugly head. No problem. But what about the old folks, or the immigrants? What would they think?

Not enough thought is given to what could happen to the old immigrant folks, or the monstrous drunks, if they go to Helsingborg pubs. They need to know more about these things, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

Tuesday, September 18th, 2007: Away from Helsingborg to see a weird gig in Lund

What I think:

Probably well over a year ago, I was visiting London for work, and my mate dragged me out to Camden to see a Japanese synth-punk band called Polysics.

There I was, having escaped from Sweden to a really cool little music venue above a pub in the UK waiting for a bizarrre Japanese band to come on, when all of a sudden, the supporting band come onto the stage and the singer/guitarist proclaims, "We're Quit Your Dayjob and we're from Malmö, Sweden!"

Shit.

But it turned out that they were pretty good, in some odd way.

However, I couldn't resist confronting "Jonass", as he calls himself, at the merchandise stand later. The conversation went a bit like this:

Mark Base: You bastard.
Jonass: What?
Mark Base: I'm living in Helsingborg now, and I come back here for a break from all things Swedish, and here's this bloody band from Malmö. Bastards.
Jonass: Oh, you're living in Helsingborg? Do you know Landskrona?
Mark Base: Yeah?
Jonass: Well that's where we're actually from. We just say we're from Malmö because no one's heard of Landskrona.
Mark Base: I hear there's lots of crime in Landskrona.
Jonass: Yeah, that's because of us.

So, I bought a CD ("Sweden, We Got A Problem"), and left it at that.

Months later, I found out that they were playing in Copenhagen, opening for Gogol Bordello (whom my girlfriend had seen opening for Danko Jones), and decided to go online and book tickets.

But they were sold out.

So I sent the band an email. I reminded Jonass of our conversation in London, and cleverly implied that he tricked me into buying their CD, as I knew he was from Landskrona, and that there's lots of crime there, so I felt afraid that if I didn't buy the CD he would commit crimes against me.

Like mugging, or violence, or drinking on a Monday or Tuesday evening (seen by many as a crime in Sweden), or not paying my TV licence. Or something. Against me. Oh, nevermind.

I told him that he would hear from my attorneys if he didn't put me and my girlfriend on the guest list as recompense.

It worked. He gave me his mobile (US/CAN: cell phone) number, and told me to sms him on the day just to make confirm. It worked out.

Not only did we get in to a really cool sold-out gig, but we were on the guest list and got in for free. Brilliant.

My email must have been well-convincing, eh Readers?

Getting to the point, already...?
OK, so this past Sunday evening there was another gig in Lund, which is somewhere between Helsingborg and Malmö (past Landskrona, thank the Messiah's bloody toenails). My girlfriend had booked tickets and picked them up at a local gambling shop-place-thing (although she's not really the kind of girl who normally goes to those places - honest).

When we got to the venue, it started getting a bit weird. At the door, some bloke with a clipboard practically jumped on us asking if we were on the guest list. Er, no. He looked rather surprised at that. Glancing at his clipboard, it looked like it was about four pages long. With the text at a number 8-sized font.

We walked past him to the guy on the till and handed him the tickets. He took them and just stared at them for ages, reading them carefully, and not quite knowing what he was supposed to do with them. My girlfriend helped him out by tearing off the stubs and handing them over.

So it would appear that we were the only ones who had bought tickets.

When we got in, there was some sort of dinner thing finishing off. Apparently, there'd just been some kind of film festival there, and this was the tail end of that event.

What was odd about this scenario was that, dressed as we were, with me in my "You say tomato, I say fuck you" t-shirt on, and my girlfriend looking suitably luscious, we felt as though we were crashing a posh party, when in fact, were were probably the only ones who had actually bought tickets. (Cue Twilight Zone music.)

We went outside the bar to have a smoke amogst all the well-dressed riff-raff and noticed a little poster with the line-up and times for the bands performing. At that point it was about 9:45 p.m. (Svenska 21:45). Quit Your Dayjob wouldn't be on until 11:15 (Svenskar: work it out, for Christ's sake). We were a bit early.

But it turned out that there were other bands on beforehand.

One was a cool Danish "punkabilly" band, from the Danish part of Denmark, and the other was an amazing band called Sunshine Rabbits, the self-proclaimed "Founders of Furpop". They were strange-but-good. Here are a couple of photos (US/CAN: pictures):
My girlfriend actually knows this girl from the band. Her name is Lotta Wenglén, and she does her own stuff as well. It's pretty cool, and you should check it out. And she's really nice; she stopped to say hello to my girlfriend in the bar.

This one's pretty charismatic. I don't know her, but she seems like the kind of girl who would love to take tea with your mum (US/CAN: mom), and chuck it in her face. In a sweet and friendly way.

Their music can only be described as fun. It's kind of a tongue-in-cheek disco, rock 'n' roll, goth-punk sugar-coated loveliness. Makes you feel all sunny and warm and bubbly and caressingly violent. Nice mix.

Quit Your Dayjob were next. But there was an extra surprise for us. Before the band came one, the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On" began, and out came this:

Told you it was a weird night, didn't I?

Yes, there was a woman, dressed as a sheep, dressed in a red trenchcoat, about to perform a striptease for us. Due to the lack of expertise in this area (honest), I couldn't quite work out whether she was from New Zealand or Wales. But she was hot.

I was going to make some joke about mint sauce, but I think I'll leave it.

This little lamb took off her trenchcoat and her dress, and was left with nothing bit a skimpy bikini.

Which she proceeded to remove as well.

I think it was the glasses that really did it for me. I'm not ashamed to say that my trousers fit all funny for a few moments there.

While the audience was still gasping for breath, Quit Your Dayjob took to the stage.

One thing that's great about this band is that their songs don't generally last for more than two minutes, much like the early Beatles' hits.

Yep, straight to the point, then bugger off. I like it.

Looking at them at first, they seem like just another high-energy punkish trio, bringing joy and happiness to an otherwise deprived world:

But wait, what's this?

Within the space of about five minutes (or about seventeen songs), Marcass has stripped down to his boxer shorts.

But what he lacks in clothing, he makes up for playing funky keyboards and pointing at people.

As for the drummer, Drumass, he plays drums. And he does it well. He also helps to contribute towards what Marcass lacks in clothing. Which is a lot.

Overall, a great gig, but it was a weird evening. Wouldn't you say?

I had sms'd Jonass before we left for the show, informing him that my cat was dancing to their song "Pissing On A Panda" (even though it was just my girlfriend jiggling her legs around), and he replied by saying, "Then we've succeeded!"

There simply aren't enough pandas to piss on in Sweden, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

Wednesday, September 12th, 2007: The Super Bag Lady of Helsingborg

What I think:

There's this amazing bag lady in Helsingborg. But I don't mean "amazing" in a "Wow, what a babe" kind of way, as one usually does with most bag ladies.

No. Although this one is truly a looker - a veritable hunk o' burnin' love - she's much more than just your average ancient hotty that all normal blokes (US/CAN: guys) like to talk about, and drool over, down the pub, when their girlfriends aren't listening (right, guys?).

This one carries all of her stuff without the use of a shopping trolley (US/CAN: cart). And she's got a lot.

Although quite shy (though I suspect that that's just an act to ward off us admiring young whipper-snappers. In our forties), she did agree to pose for me while she was in action:
But wait, there's more. Tongues back in your mouths, guys.

I hear you asking, "But how on earthenware Victorian pottery products does she carry all those bags by herself, poor dear." (I wish that voice would go away.)

This is how, in ten magificent steps, this incredible specimen of womankind spends her days with her impressive array of plastic carrier bags:

1. Magically appear, from out of the blue, with twenty fully-packed bags, on Södergatan.
2. Lovingly arrange them all in a pretty and easily-manageable row (as pictured above).
3. Gracefully pick up ten at a time; five in each hand.
4. Walk about five metres (US/CAN: about six yards, or so) along the pavement (US/CAN: sidewalk).
5. Neatly, and with the utmost dignity and finesse, lay the bags on the pavement, as close to the wall as possible without squishing the spiders, homeless people, or nasty drunk foreigners on heroin.
6. Walk briskly-but-sensibly back to the remaining ten bags.
7. Pick them up with as much grace, if not more, as the first lot (ref: Step 3).
8. Waddle with wondrous wit and wistfulness to your previously placed packages.
9. Repeat Steps 2 - 8 until reaching the southern end of Södergatan.
10 Either cross the road, with ten bags at a time, and continue with precious must-haves and keepsakes towards the north, or disappear just as magically as the appearance in Step 1, without any trace left behind that any young CSI worth his salt, and in his forties, can find.

But who is this Super Bag Lady of Helsingborg? Where does she keep her seven cats (she carries this enticing scent which is either cats eating fruity cupcakes for lunch or Britney Spear's Fantasy Fragrance)? Does she collect stamps? Does she watch Bolibompa on Swedish telly (US/CAN: TV)?

I find it disgraceful that this poor forlorn, vulnerable little old-age Über-Babe should have to watch out for these horrible spiders, homeless people and nasty drunk foreigners on heroin whenever she puts her first lot of bags down, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

Sunday, August 26th, 2007: Helsingborg to Bjuv: CSI: Helsingborg's first gig

What I think:

I had my first gig as a singer in a band yesterday. CSI: Helsingborg finally played at Bjuvsfestivalen, and I'd say it was pretty successful.

I started off by approaching the microphone while putting on a pair of latex gloves, and said, "Good evening Bjuv (pronouncing it "be-jewve"). We're with the crime lab."

It was kind of a weird venue really; the stage was set up under a marquee in a carpark (US/CAN: parking lot) just off the main festival road. I've got a few photos of the event to share with you.

Here's one taken when we were playing our first song. As you can see, the crowd's going wild.
But the angle of that photo is a bit deceiving, as is the apparent enthusiasm of the crowd. It was actually taken from quite far back, inside the beer tent. People were not really sitting very close to the stage.

This is actually a truer picture:
Here's one of me realising that the beer can I'm picking up is actually empty. Luckily, bassist CSI Per had stocked up, and there was a cooler full of chilled beer behind CSI Nils. So, when CSI Nils went into a guitar solo, I went into the cooler and helped myself.

Hapiness.

Drummer CSI Bengt seemed a bit jealous. Tough, innit?

After a few songs, someone finally decided to start dancing to our rockin' hits. I just had to snap a shot from the stage.

It wasn't really what I'd had in mind for an adoring fan, but what can one do?

Why's it always a drunken old fart who's the first to dance at these things anyway?

He soon had a lady friend join him and they two-stepped and foxtrotted merrily for most of the show, displaying amazing dedication and stamina.

I was particularly fond of his stylish socks and sandals accessorising skills. Note the impeccable choice of navy blue socks to provide a refreshing counterpoint to his lighter blue hat. Eat your hearts out, Trinny and Susannah. You don't need to tell him what not to wear; he's a natural at it.

Also present was my good friend and co-pub toilet inspector, Badlands. He was quite keen to show that he too is a great fan.

I also managed to get a shot of CSI Nils as he was in mid-guitar solo. Cool.

It was a really fun experience.

Bjuv, famous for Findus Frozen Foods, and frozen peas in particular, held a Miss Pea contest during the festival. Alas, I didn't stick around to find out which of the chick peas won, but it was great material for pea jokes.

I mentioned that we had considered playing a version of John Lennon's "Give Peas A Chance"...

I put forward that the question of when Miss Pea is finally crowned, would one call her simply "Miss Pea", or would the more formal "Your Royal Pea-ness" be more appropriate?

I mentioned Bjuv's importance on the world stage. I said that the fine folks at Findus Frozen Foods, whose products are exported to many countries, are partly responsible for peas in the Middle East.

I don't think that the majority of the members of the audience got these jokes, but it was the thought that counted, right?

While festivals like this are usually fun occasions, having drunken old men wearing socks and sandals dancing in front of cool bands like CSI: Helsingborg is simply scandalous.

It's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

P.S. Many thanks to Andy Dolphin for some of the pics.

Saturday, August 18th, 2007: CSI: Helsingborg - The Press Release

What I think:

There's one week to go before my band's debut performance at the grand Bjuv Festival. It's sure to be a cracking event (US/CAN: awesome gig).

In preparation, the following press release is about to be translated into Swedish, and sent to all of the relevant Swedish media.

This means to Helsingborgs Dagblad newspaper:

CSI: Helsingborg investigate Bjuvsfestivalen 2007

On Saturday August 25th, CSI: Helsingborg will make their stage debut at Bjuvsfestivalen.

But who are CSI: Helsingborg? And how serious are they about what they’re doing? Let’s put them under the microscope.

The band was formed by guitarist and trainspotter Nils Hornfalk just over a year ago. Nils, whose other hobbies include stamp collecting and dentistry, decided that a really rocking blues/rock cover band with a difference was necessary to make people wake up and examine the meaning behind their lives.

So he teamed up with bassist and zoologist Per Cedergren and drummer and Yoga instructor Bengt Svensson. All they needed was a singer.

Nils soon recruited British-Canadian singer and Royal Navy Admiral Mark Base.

“Mark’s voice is a little bit punky for the music we play, but at least he understands what the words mean,” explains Nils.

Bengt and Per agree.

“His vocal style is like a cross between Johnny Rotten and Julio Iglesias,” says Bengt.

“I like his shoes,” adds Per, “but his Swedish is pretty bad.”

Mark says, “I chose the name CSI: Helsingborg because I have this thing about latex gloves and examining bodily fluids.”

CSI: Helsingborg play at Bjuvsfestivalen on August 25th at 17:00.

It's actually fairly unlikely that it will be published, but it was fun to write anyway. I can't wait to see the Swedish version.

Here's the poster that we're going to...errm... post around town, and use for our many future gigs:
Everyone's welcome, except the Swedish government. I'd like to see them try to do something about it.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2007: CSI: Helsingborg to appear at Bjuv's 2007 Festival

What I think:

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I'm a singer in a cover band here in Helsingborg.

I'd been in bands before, but never as just a singer; it's always been as a rhythm guitarist, back-up vocalist, with the occasional lead vocals for a few songs (while playing guitar).

When my guitarist friend asked me to join his band, my biggest worry, besides my actual singing voice, was what I was going to do with my hands.

It turns out that I play a mean tambourine, and I get to whack a cowbell for a couple of songs as well. The rest of the time, my various gestures make me look a bit like a cross between Morrissey and an angry Italian.

Because I was asked to join the band, I had very little say as to what songs we'd play. I was told that it's mainly a blues band.

One can sort of tell by looking at me that I'm not really a bluesy kind of guy. But I thought, what the hell; if I could sing a version of "Kung Fu Fighting" with Rude Guru in the 80's, I'm sure I can pull this blues vocals thing off.

When I first saw the song list, I recognised some Stones songs, some Hendrix, and some Creedence Clearwater Revival. A total of about six out of around thirty songs. But at least they weren't all blues numbers.

I joined about two years ago. We've been practising nearly every Sunday. It's always been more of a fun hobby more than anything else.

It eventually came to the time when we felt we should start looking for gigs. As I've mentioned previously on this blog, Helsingborg is not exactly a hotbed of live music venues.

The first obvious place seemed to be the Charles Dickens pub, as they have live cover bands on most Saturday nights.

But they were fully booked for ages, and wanted a demo CD before agreeing to let us play - which is fair enough.

Then there was the issue of a name for the band. The other guys didn't really like my suggestion of The Lesbian Boyfriends for some reason (I thought that name would rock), so I suggested CSI: Helsingborg.

They were a bit reluctant at first. They said "What's CSI stand for?", so I said "Crime Scene Investigation." They thought that was boring, so I said, "No-no, I mean Coolest Shit Imaginable." And everyone was happy. Bloody Swedes.

So anyway, we finally managed to record a few songs in our little rehearsal space. They sounded OK, so I brought the CD to Dickens and left it there.

The owner said he'll listen to it, but not for a while, as Helsingborg's Festival would be starting soon, and he had lots of stuff to do in preparation. Plus the Saturday night bands thing was off for the summer, to be started up again in September. So he'd have a listen as soon as possible and book us at some point after that.

I can't see how listening to three songs would interfere with his busy schedule, but nevermind. I bet he still hasn't heard it.

But then we found out that we could probably get a gig at the Bjuv Festival, which is like Helsingborg Festival's poor retarded herring-breathed half-cousin whom nobody likes very much.

Just what we were after - our big break.

Talking about it to my guitarist friend and fellow CSI, I found out that the last time he played there with a band, there was a huge crowd of...five. I'm not kidding.

And this guy knows how to count, so I believe him.

Then the woman who was organising the event told the bass player (who was the one dealing with her), that it wasn't actually confirmed that we'd play. Oh, and would he re-send the songs and band info, as they had been misplaced?

Apparently, last time they played, they were informed just days before the event that they were on.

But, today we got confirmation that CSI: Helsingborg will be playing at "Bjuvsfestivalen" on Saturday, August 25th, 2007, from 17:00 until 18:30 (UK/US/CAN: 5:00 p.m. - 6:30 p.m.).

I found out after lunch when our bass guy called me at work. Yay!

But then he said, "Do you still have those photos you took? She wants a photo of the band, and she needs it today".
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