Tuesday, November 9th, 2010: Dental care by the seat of your pants in Malmö and Helsingborg

What I think:

I've been to the dentist a few times over the past couple of months. Apparently there are spaces between my gums and teeth in which bacteria are starting to form, which could cause me grief a bit later on in life; the grief being that I could be toothless if I'm not ultra-careful about keeping everything spotless in my gaping cake-hole.

I've learned a few tooth/dentist-related Swedish words during my time here, which I'd like to share with you now.

In Swedish (bear with me on this):

- Tooth is tand; a direct translation.

- Dentist is tandläkare, which is a compound word, consisting of tand (tooth) and läkare (doctor). So the direct translation of tandläkare is tooth doctor. So a dentist, in Swedish, is a tooth doctor. Cute, huh?

- Gums is my favourite inside-your-mouth word. In Swedish it's tandkött. Another compound word, this one consists of tand (tooth), as you've already learned, and kött (pronounced kind of like "should", but you replace the last consonant sound ["ld"] with a "t". This means meat or flesh.). So the direct translation of tandkött is tooth meat. So gums, in Swedish, are tooth meat. Isn't that adorable? Bless.

- Tartar may taste nice on fish, but apparently it's nasty on the teeth. In Swedish, it's known as tandsten, which translates to tooth stone, which, unless you're Keith Richard [Hi Keith!], is really not as glamorous as it sounds.

- "Open wide". "Gapa" is what a Swedish dentist (or a sadistic dental hygienist, apparently) says when he (or, more commonly, she) says when they can't quite reach the tooth containing the nerve that will cause you the most agonising (US/CAN: agonizing) misery. Interestingly - and etymologically - the English word "gape" (as in "my gaping cake-hole") comes directly from the Old Norse word "gapa", meaning "to open the mouth".

There you go. You learned something new today. Unless you're Swedish, in which case: Håll käften.

So anyway, my four - no five - visits to the sadistic Swedish dental hygienist cost me around 3,000 kronor (this is, at the time of writing, about £278.50 / US$446.20 / CAN$447.65 / €322.70 / 2,063,673 Zambian Kwacha).

I guess this isn't too bad, considering all the torture you get for your money, but since other healthcare is so greatly subsidised (US/CAN: subsidized) here, one would have thought it would be substantially less. Ah well...

And now for a not-so-smooth segue. I was on my way to one of my band's [CSI: Helsingborg's] notorious Pissed Rehearsals in Helsingborg a couple of weeks ago, umm, after having brushed my teeth.

When I got off the bus and headed for the platform, I noticed that just about all of the bicycles parked near the platform had these bright pink seat covers on them.

You see, over the past year or so (possibly longer; I'm not normally terribly observant), someone came up with the clever advertising (US/CAN: advertising - ha, gotcha) idea of printing up logos and/or messages on pre-made bike seat covers and putting them over as many bicycles as they could find.

This is actually quite ingenious, as many Swedish cyclists normally use plastic carrier bags as covers to keep their seats dry when the weather really sucks (which is usually about 342 days a year) and - regardless of the message of who's selling what - would probably appreciate having this little cycling accessory given to them free of charge.

[Unless, of course, it was provided by the Sverigedemokraterna (The Sweden Democrats), in which case 5.7% would hang it on their walls, about 54.3% would burn it, a few would actually use it, and the rest wouldn't be sure whether they should sit on it or not. Oh yeah, some would sell it on e-Bay.*]

But I'm into advertising, and not politics, so I thought I'd just check out which company was splashing out on this particular benevolent gesture. When I approached the nearest seat, here's what I saw:The Skåne region's "dental health" authority is advertising on these things. What?

(By the way, Skåne is the county or province (whatever) in the southwesternmost part of Sweden.)

The large writing (roughly translated) means "Your smile looked after.". The bit in the black speech balloon means "Healthy dental care - now for everyone!". The bit at the bottom is this website ->

Now, Malmö is not a huge city; certainly not by American, Canadian, British, Australian, French, Spanish, German, Irish, Italian, (... etc... for ages...) Peruvian, Turkish, Brazilian, or even Swedish standards, but there are a lot of cyclists here; that is if you look at bikes per capita, and the number of those who actually use them regularly.

I looked over at (one of) the main cycle park area(s), and just had to go halfway across the bridge to share this with you:That's a lot of dental care encouragement, wouldn't you say?

Then glancing back at the other (main) end of the station:

And there's a bit across the bridge over the canal:Amazing.

So. I caught the train to Helsingborg, and was walking to the Charles Dickens Pub to meet guitarist CSI: Nils for our usual pre-Pissed Rehearsal piss-up, and I realised that the tooth-care-advert fairies had hit Helsingborg as well (Helsingborg is also in Skåne):I hadn't left Helsingborg's train station through the bicycle parking area, but it looked as though a deed had definitely been done there too.

A couple more bits of evidence:

So, apparently, the dental care authority of Skåne had spent loads of money advertising the fact that people in the southwest of Sweden should visit their dentists, as if this was a radically new idea.

Oh, by the way, when I was in Paris last month, I was at this place and went out for a smoke, and there was some guy selling funky-flashy glasses. I had to try them on...I didn't buy any, and the guy selling was a bit annoyed, but this guy did...
... and the funky-flashy glasses sales guy was happy again. That's him to the left of the guy wearing (two pairs! Ha-ha! of ) the funky-flashy glasses.

Oh, how we laughed, etc.

Anyway, as I was saying, I wonder how much money was spent on producing and distributing those glasses - no, seat covers - in Skåne. Most Swedes that I've met are well aware of the existence of dentists, and most actually go through the ritual torture that that awareness entails; it's pretty much a part of being Swedish.

So why spend so much money on this silly campaign? Can't they use the money for the research and development of more efficient and painful torture devices? It's all very futile, it's ridiculous, it's costly, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

[*Based on figures I made up, for the most part.]

Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010: Top Toilet Tips: Pubs in Malmö - Part One: The Pickwick Pub

What I think:

A wise man once said: "Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana."

With those words, and following the great success of my Top Toilet Tips for pubs in Helsingborg*, I start my first in the series of Top Toilets Tips for pubs in Malmö.

But first, I've got to show you something I saw on the platform at Malmö station yesterday:

The smoking area

Cool, huh?

OK, off we go to The Pickwick Pub...

Pickwick's is located on the corner of Malmborgsgatan and Stadt Hamburgsgatan. During the summer (which usually lasts for about eleven days here in Sweden), it's nice to sit outside with your beer, where you catch some cool northern rays and chain-smoke yourself to death.

It's the pub I go to most in Malmö, as the staff are friendly and attentive, and they're all English-speaking (there's a Swedish girl there, but her English is really good). OK, so that's not necessarily the best reason to go to a pub in Sweden, but the place does seem to attract a fair number of expats, which means that you can actually find people there drinking during the week - generally a big no-no in Swedish culture.

Apparently it's a good place to work as well; although the staff seem to be mostly in their 20's or 30's, they've all been working there since about 1948 [citation needed].

The interior is done up in a very English-pub-like way, with plenty of dark wood, knick-knacks, and upholstered seating. They've got a very good selection of ales, and some Czech and German lagers (I think they might have some Swedish shite as well, in case you have no sense of taste).

When you come in, there's seating directly in front of you, with the bar on the left. There are actually two entrance doors, but I'm referring to the main one on the corner, as the other one is closed for all but the eleven days of summer in Sweden.

Look left again, and you'll see another seating area, referred to by staff as "The Library". This is probably because there are some books there:Also to your left (before the library), there's a dart board. Next to it, there's a chalk board, on which you can either keep scores, or write important messages for the next players. Below, Jenni tells us that she's best [citation needed]. One can only wonder at what... Oh, actually, she does a pretty mean palm-reading; I know that for sure.So now it's off to the toilets. If you enter the pub and go straight through, passing the bar (and more seating) on your left, and the previously-mentioned seating on your right, you come to a doorway with a helpful sign:In the photo above, you can see the sunlight coming in from the right, through the pub's second entrance (which is currently open - Yay, Summer!).

Turning left, as instructed by the helpful sign, you've got a little corridor leading to the stairway to the toilets:Once through the double doors, and turning left, you're at the top of the stairs, over which stands a copy of the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. Just joking, kids; it's called a suit of armour (US/CAN: armor):Quite daunting, isn't it? Don't pee yourselves now; keep up with me here...

Finally, turning left at the bottom of the stairs, you'll find the doors to the toilets.You can probably guess that the one on the left is the Ladies', but the doors aren't always open like that, so I thought I'd point it out.

I'm guessing that the doors are left open when the pub opens because the staff had just washed the floors, and want to allow air through to allow them to dry quicker... but it could also be (partly at least) because these places smell bad, and they want to keep them aired out for as long as possible.

Now, I know that pub toilets are generally not world-reknowned award-winning areas of nose-pleasing, aromatic Gardens of Eden, but these ones can get pretty nasty, by any standard. I don't know whether it's partly because they're under ground - and that dampness could be part of the equation - but... well, at times, it's an experience.

Of course, my only experience comes only from my olfactory observations of the Gents' (US/CAN: Men's Room) , so ladies, I can't say for sure what awaits you on the other side of the wall. Just bring a small - yet stylish - nose plug, just in case.

Another gripe I have is with the hand dryer. What is it with these things? It's 2010, for crying out load (and stamping feet, screaming "It's soooo not fair!!!"). A little bit more than a gentle breeze, please?
Having said all this, there is a certain aesthetic charm here as well. The urinals (US/CAN: urinals, but pronounced differently) are good, solid, old-fashioned pieces of work. Crafted in Stoke-on-Trent (like one of the bar staff), even the name of these masterpieces of yesteryear are an eternal testimony to the pleasures of weeknight drinking in a society in which it is frowned upon: ADAMANT.

Even though I don't give it top marks, mainly due to its odourificiousness (yeah, I know it's not a word, shut up) and the pathetic hand dryer, at least the stalls (not shown in these photos, sorry) are usually relatively clean and usually have toilet paper. And the toilets actually work (although at least one is missing the little knobby thing that you pull on to flush).

Toilet stuff aside, The Pickwick Pub has a really fun (and free) Quiz Night every Wednesday evening at 8:30 p.m. (SWE: 20:30), the beer is good - and there's a wide selection of it, and the staff are absolute diamonds. Oh yeah, and they serve some tasty, and good-value, meals as well.

But really, those pathetic hand dryer things - the ones that barely work - should be banned, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.

*Top Toilet Tips for pubs in Helsingborg

Part One: Charles Dickens

Part Two: Hamnkrogen

Part Three: Bishops Arms

Part Four: PL13

Saturday, January 30th, 2010: Acting, performing, and publishing recordings in Helsingborg and Malmö

What I think:

All in all, January's been quite a cool month for me here in the beautiful south of Sweden. I could have done without the snow, but it is winter, so I can't really complain too much about that.

Here's a photo taken today from our rooftop terrace,

with the Turning Torso in the distance:

There's one thing that did annoy me this month though.

Did you read my post about the contempt I have for the town of Ängelholm, where my cover band (CSI: Helsingborg) played a couple of months ago? If not, it doesn't matter; suffice it to say that this town (in which one of main attractions is a UFO Memorial) is one place that I wouldn't miss if it got mistaken for Bin Laden's cave, and got blown to smithereens.

I went to a rehearsal in Helsingborg on January 10th (as we were booked to play at Telegrafen on the following Friday night). It was a good one, with lots of fun, energy, and beer. Quite a substantial amount of beer. I remember that we actually talked briefly about about our Ängelholm gig, and I vowed never to set foot there again.

Afterwards, I decided (in my wisest wisdom) to go to the Telegrafen pub for a beer, before getting the train home. I was feeling good.

Then I went to the station, got my ticket (here's how ->) and got on a train. I was just in time, as well; the train left about 30 seconds after I sat down. Cool.

Then it occurred to me that I got on the wrong train. This one was heading northwards, ending up in Gothenburg. I would have to get off at the next stop and catch a train back in the opposite direction. I looked up and saw that the first stop would be - you guessed it - Ängel-bloody-holm. Nooooo!!! Oh dear. Oh dear-oh-dear-oh-dear. And damn, even.

Just hours before, I vowed never to go there again. The Fates were being painfully unkind to me, and not even using lube whilst administering their unkindness.

In my even wiserest wisdom, I was actually contemplating going all the way to Gothenburg. I would get there before 23:00 (11:00 p.m.) and could stay with my friend VikingHumpingWitch.

I rang my girlfriend and explained the situation to her, but she'd obviously not drunk of the wisdom juice as I had, so convinced me that it would be better to get off at the next stop, and make my way home.

So there I was.

There would be a 45-minute wait for the train to Malmö, it was freezing out, and there was no pub nearby. There was an empty taxi rank and a bus stop. Great.

And the train heading back was an all-stations one, so there'd be three extra stops before even getting back to Helsingborg. Super.

But of course, I made it home and lived to tell the tale, so no real harm done. But I was pretty peeved, to say the least. Grrr, etc.

So now, on to the fun stuff.

Acting

A few months ago, a friend in Stockholm mentioned on his Facebook profile that he'd gotten a bit of work as an extra for some kind of film or TV production. I thought that was pretty cool, so I asked him how he got that gig. He said that he was signed up on a site called statist.se (statist is Swedish for "extra") which lists ads for extras (as you might have guessed).

After having a look and noticing that you have to pay to sign up, I asked him if all the "jobs" are Stockholm-based, to which he replied in the positively negative; there are a few down my way as well. So I paid the small sum of 99 Kronor (about US$13.50 / CAN$14.35 / UK £8.40 / €9.79 / 1,985 Kazakhstan Tenge) for a two month subscription, and had a look. Nothing suitable. Ah well, no great loss. Then I forgot about it.

On January 6th, completely out of the blue, I get this email from someone called Frida at a production company called Dansk Skalle, asking if I'd like audition for a small English-speaking part in a film (US/CAN: movie). Hhmm... OK. So it was arranged that I would go to their office for my audition on the 12th. It turned out that they're only about a ten-minute walk from my place, which was well handy.

I went and read the few lines, and the guys said they still had other auditions during the rest of the week, so they'd get back to me during the next week.

On the 19th, I got an email thanking me for my time, but informing me that I didn't get the part. This was followed immediately by an email apologising for the previous email, and saying that I did get the part. Sweet! Perhaps the Fates had now withdrawn their prickly implements.

Last Monday (the 25th), I went back to their office to meet Åsa, who's looking after costumes for the film. She's actually also an "Aerial Artist". If you want to see what this means, have a look at Åsa's MySpace page here ->. She looked at some shirts I'd brought, checked my size, etc. and said that she'd see if she could find something better suited to the character.

I also had a bit of a rehearsal with the directors (Martin and Emil), which was cool; I got a insight on how they wanted me to play it. We then we arranged to meet on Wednesday (the 27th) for filming. We'd do it at their office, as it was a more-than-adequate location for this particular scene.

At this point, I guess I should describe the character. Without giving too much away, he's a rather scary German pervert called Friedrich; so I get to have fun with a German accent. In this scene, I'm buying gay webcam sex off one of the main characters. (Note: If you wish to leave a comment at the end of this post, please try to keep it clean-ish, okay?)

I got there just before noon on Wednesday, had a coffee and some biscuits (US/CAN: cookies), after which Åsa got me ready. She gave me this shirt that I would normally not be caught dead in. I think it will take a few years for me to forgive her for that.

Then she smothered a bit of vaseline on my face, and a hint of dark eye shadow under my eyes - to give me that tired, sweaty, greasy German look. Ooh oui, c'est chic. Actually, it was quite subtle; nothing too over-the-top.

Here's me practicing my smoking - turns out I'm a natural:

The guys had cut some cigarettes in half, so that when I lit them, it'd look as though I'd been sitting there smoking for a while prior to being connected to my webcam bitch. That's an old movie trick (ah, the magic of Le Cinéma, eh?). Isn't that shirt just... Oh, I don't know. Some of you may even have one like it; if so, I apologise. It's just so not me. *Shudder*

So then we got down to filming my seven lines, and it went really well. We did a few takes, trying different movements and different variations on the lines that were scripted. Have a look in the view finder below - that's what I look like.

Pretty creepy, eh?

The film is called Odjuret, (which is Swedish for "The Beast"). I believe the English title will be "Savage". It's due out at some point after the summer; probably in September or October. The guys aren't sure of how widely it will be distributed, but I'll keep you posted on that.

It was great fun, and a brilliant experience. Now I just need an agent for all the job offers I'll be getting.

Performing

As I mentioned earlier, CSI: Helsingborg had a gig lined up at Telegrafen in Helsingborg on January 15th. We weren't too pleased with the date, as mid-January is not a time that we associate with "lots of people with loads of money coming out to party". Christmas and New Year's had just passed, and it was the middle of the month - exactly two weeks until most people here would get paid.

But we got on with it. We met up at the rehearsal space and loaded up, and guitarist CSI: Nils and I walked to the venue (there was limited room in the car, and Telegrafen is an easily-walkable distance).

On the way, I used some of our crime scene tape at a few choice locations. Here's a shot of an area near the guy-on-the-horse statue in front of City Hall:

And here's CSI: Nils waving the banner across from the Grand Hotel:

Unfortunately, not many of the people I'd invited on my Facebook "Event" could make it, but we ended up having a fair number of people there anyway. Bassist CSI: Per's wife had invited loads of her friends as well, which was very cool.

Here we are during our third set:

Some people even got the boogie-bug, and got up to dance.

Shake that thang!

The people I gave my camera to used it to get some video footage as well. I was surprised at how well it turned out. I mean, the performance wasn't sheer brilliance, but the quality of the sound could have been much worse. Have a look at this clip of Get Off My Cloud, and guffaw at my clumsiness:

I put some more stuff on YouTube (here->) if you're feeling particularly masochistic.

So anyway, in the end, that evening was another CSI success.

Publishing recordings

A few months back, I saw an ad for a company called Zimbalam. For a fee, they publish recordings for you, and distribute them to places like iTunes, Napster, Amazon, and other online mp3 "stores". I had a few songs hanging around, so I thought it would be fun to go for it.

I published an EP with four songs on it, and called it "Consenting Adults". This is because all the musicians I recorded with were of legal age, and they agreed to work with me without too much Rohypnol-I-mean-persuasion.

And here it is:

I wrote the first, third and fourth songs. "Wedding" was written by a good friend of mine when we were in the Montreal Goof Rock band Rude Guru, back in the late-80's. He goes by the name of Dr Trinidad. He's actually married to Professor Maggie who writes the blog, Something Up With Which I WIll Not Put. They live in Montreal.

I recorded "Anti-60's Protest Song" with a groovy German girl called Barbarella when I was living in London; we lived in the same area, and recorded a few songs together. She's a great pianist with a good ear for producing and arranging music. She now lives in (on?) Lanzarote, where she mainly does website stuff. Check out her photo blog and personal website here ->

I recorded Dr Trinidad's "Wedding" on a weekend visit in Germany. A chap called Reto did all instruments except guitar, which I did. The backing vocals were done by the girls in the house at the time.

The last two songs were recorded with Adam in Milton Keynes, England. Adam played lead guitar on both songs (those groovy solos are not mine, alas). Coincidentally, Adam's girlfriend is actually Dr Trinidad's sister. Small world, eh? Have a look at Adam & Nicole's websites - Whispering Back, and Born to Whisper - especially if you're into horses.

Sales of the EP are currently doing better in Europe than in North America, they're doing particularly well in Sweden. In fact, all sales of "Consenting Adults" have so far come from here. Yes, I am the only person to have purchased the EP, and it was by accident. I was testing out how the iTunes purchasing works, and I accidentally bought my own EP.

So, what I'm really hoping is that some of my readers in the US and/or Canada will buy it as well. If two people in the USA were to buy my EP, I could say that twice as many copies were sold over there than here, so I would be "big in America", relatively speaking. That would make my January complete.

So how 'bout it guys? Yeah, you two; you know who you are...

That about wraps it up for the fun stuff, I think.

As for what still annoys me: Ängelholm still exists. Why?

It's time that the Swedish government did something about it.

That's what I think - and Lucy Fur the cat agrees.

Thursday, August 27th, 2009: How to take a train from Helsingborg to Malmö (buying a ticket)

What I think:

According to a survey of Helsingborg residents a couple of years ago, the best thing about Helsingborg is that it's easy to get away from.

I think people probably meant that it's a decent travel hub, with its trains and ferries offering easy access to mainland Europe via Denmark, and coaches heading to great Swedish cities like Gothenburg, Stockholm and Kågeröd. But this particular survey result gave me a nice little gut-splitting, laugh-till-you-puke chuckle nonetheless.

Since my move to Malmö in March, I've travelled to and from Helsingborg quite a bit, as many of my friends, and my band (CSI: Helsingborg), are there.

Last time I was leaving Helsingborg, I thought I'd take the opportunity to snap a few shots to show you how to buy a ticket to get to Malmö. Ready? Here goes...

Step One: Get to Knutpunkten

Knutpunkten is a Swedish word meaning "The Junction" (in the context of railways). It's also the name of the large terminal building to and from which the aforementioned ferries, trains and buses arrive and depart.

It's located in the city centre (such as it is) right on the narrow strait between Sweden and Denmark, called the Öresund or "The Sound" (oh, by the way, there's a band called The Sounds who come from Helsingborg. They're pretty good; have a look/listen on YouTube.).

This is what Knutpunkten looks like on its northern side:

This is where the main entrance is. There's also a taxi rank here (see the silver cars there). By the way, if you ever need to take a taxi in Helsingborg, be sure to get in one that has 180 200 on the side. Most of the others will rip you off (especially if you're a tourist or new to town). You can order these cabs locally by dialling 042 180 200.

There are a few other entrances, on the main road side (to the left of this photo), and on the bus/coach terminal side at the southern end of the building.

Step Two: Enter Knutpunkten

Upon entering and to your right, you'll see the escalators heading up to the ferries. Don't go up there; they go to Helsingör (Elsinore) in Denmark. We're going to Malmö, remember. Stay focused, please. Anyway, I covered the ferries here, if you're interested.

Step Three: Go to the ticket machines

Just take a few steps straight ahead and you'll see the ticket machines. Above them, you'll see information on upcoming train departure times - you'll want the screen on the left. It also shows the platform number. There are only four platforms, so you can't go wrong (although I did once, when I had a few too many nasty Swedish beers in town. But I realised in time, dashed off the wrong train, fell over, and got on the right train. But I digress...). Go to one of the touch-screen machines. These are quickest to use, if you know what you're doing. Oh yeah, I should have mentioned that we'll be paying in cash, so make sure to have a 100-kronor note (US/CAN: bill) with you. If you haven't got any Swedish money, there are two bureaux de change in the building - and a couple across the street, near the 7-11.

Step Four: Choose the "Quick-choice" ticket

When you approach the machine, and possibly touch the screen if it's been idle for a while, the bottom half of the screen gives you the option using Snabbval. This basically means "Quick-choice". You'll want to use this, otherwise you'll just be shown 17,466,493 other stations that you don't want. Malmö's here, so let's just go for that, shall we?I should point out here that you can't get return tickets; they're single (US/CAN: one-way) only. To translate the above: 1 VUXEN enkel standard means "1 ADULT standard single".

Step Five: Choose "cash"

Kontant is Swedish for cash, where methods of payment are concerned, so touch that option.You're supposed to be able to pay by credit/debit card, but this hasn't always worked for me. When it has actually worked, I've often had to swipe my card several times, then it might ask for my PIN number, then it would ask me to swipe again, etc. I gave up when it started asking for my star sign, favourite film (US/CAN: movie), and most often used position.

Step Six: Transaction confirmation

The next screen shows you what you're about to purchase, and the amount (Pris) you'll have to pay. As you can see, at the time of writing, the price was 96 kronor (about £8.30 / €9.40 / CAN$14.70 / US$13.55) Confirm this choice with a resounding Ja.Step Seven: They want you to pay

The next screen is similar to the last one but, towards the bottom, they seem to be hinting that you should insert money. And this is indeed what they want you to do.
And since you have that nice crisp 100-kronor note I asked you to get earlier, you're all set to insert it into the slot provided below. Go for it; slide that baby in there. Ooh yeah, etc.You then collect your ticket and change from the red compartment at the bottom. If the fare hasn't changed since I wrote this (yeah, right), you should get four nice shiny 1-krona coins.

(Swedish lesson: One krona, several kronor. Krona is Swedish for crown, and the plural form is kronor. Here endeth the lesson.)

Step Eight: Take your ticket

Don't forget your ticket! They almost always check for valid tickets during your journey. It is actually possible to buy your ticket on the train, but there is a real chance that you'll be severely tutted at by impatient fellow passengers, as it takes forever for the ticket guy/girl to issue tickets on board.

And here is your ticket! Well done!

As you can see, I've underlined a couple of bits here. GILTIG TILL means "VALID UNTIL". The ticket was issued at 18:33 (or 6:33 p.m.), and it's valid until 21:40 (or 9:40 p.m.).

This is good to know because, depending on the train, the journey time to Malmö from Helsingborg is usually less than an hour. These tickets are also valid on Malmö's city buses. So hang onto that ticket if you need to take a bus at the other end.

Now you just need to go to your platform and get on your train. Or, if you've got some time to kill, there are a few pubs in the terminal building. There's the Crom Bar on the ground floor and The Shakespeare (and two others, I think) upstairs - just below the ferry departure floor.

I didn't take photos of these interesting venues this time, but perhaps I'll treat you with some at a later date. I usually go to Crom, because there's an outdoor bit where you can smoke. Plus it's closer to the platforms.

So there you go; you now know how to get a ticket from Helsingborg to Malmö. I just think it's a shame that the portable ticket machines that the poor staff on the train have to carry are so crap. It's time that the Swedish government did something about it.

That's what I think.