Wednesday, September 12th, 2007: The Super Bag Lady of Helsingborg

What I think:

There's this amazing bag lady in Helsingborg. But I don't mean "amazing" in a "Wow, what a babe" kind of way, as one usually does with most bag ladies.

No. Although this one is truly a looker - a veritable hunk o' burnin' love - she's much more than just your average ancient hotty that all normal blokes (US/CAN: guys) like to talk about, and drool over, down the pub, when their girlfriends aren't listening (right, guys?).

This one carries all of her stuff without the use of a shopping trolley (US/CAN: cart). And she's got a lot.

Although quite shy (though I suspect that that's just an act to ward off us admiring young whipper-snappers. In our forties), she did agree to pose for me while she was in action:
But wait, there's more. Tongues back in your mouths, guys.

I hear you asking, "But how on earthenware Victorian pottery products does she carry all those bags by herself, poor dear." (I wish that voice would go away.)

This is how, in ten magificent steps, this incredible specimen of womankind spends her days with her impressive array of plastic carrier bags:

1. Magically appear, from out of the blue, with twenty fully-packed bags, on Södergatan.
2. Lovingly arrange them all in a pretty and easily-manageable row (as pictured above).
3. Gracefully pick up ten at a time; five in each hand.
4. Walk about five metres (US/CAN: about six yards, or so) along the pavement (US/CAN: sidewalk).
5. Neatly, and with the utmost dignity and finesse, lay the bags on the pavement, as close to the wall as possible without squishing the spiders, homeless people, or nasty drunk foreigners on heroin.
6. Walk briskly-but-sensibly back to the remaining ten bags.
7. Pick them up with as much grace, if not more, as the first lot (ref: Step 3).
8. Waddle with wondrous wit and wistfulness to your previously placed packages.
9. Repeat Steps 2 - 8 until reaching the southern end of Södergatan.
10 Either cross the road, with ten bags at a time, and continue with precious must-haves and keepsakes towards the north, or disappear just as magically as the appearance in Step 1, without any trace left behind that any young CSI worth his salt, and in his forties, can find.

But who is this Super Bag Lady of Helsingborg? Where does she keep her seven cats (she carries this enticing scent which is either cats eating fruity cupcakes for lunch or Britney Spear's Fantasy Fragrance)? Does she collect stamps? Does she watch Bolibompa on Swedish telly (US/CAN: TV)?

I find it disgraceful that this poor forlorn, vulnerable little old-age Über-Babe should have to watch out for these horrible spiders, homeless people and nasty drunk foreigners on heroin whenever she puts her first lot of bags down, and it's time that the Swedish government did something about it. That's what I think.